When Reality Sinks In

Many of you may not be aware, (although you probably are), but I have been battling with an eating disorder.
I have been for longer than I care to admit, but it has been getting steadily worse since this time last year when I had issues with my grant coming through.
I am seeking counselling about it, amongst other things, but it seems that being able to admit it myself and saying that I want to get better isn't exactly true.
I so want to be able to not worry about the calories in everything I eat, be able to eat all the foods I enjoy (eat pasta again), I dont want to feel like I have to purge if I have a big meal, and not have to justify everything that I put in my mouth by how hard I work in the gym (if I don't go to the gym, I only eat around 750 cals).
However, because I do binge, I am not terribly skinny to look at. I don't have the body that I want yet and so I am inclined to keep at it until I have the flat stomach I so desperately crave.

I have decided to write about this now because of what I have been thinking recently.
If you are reading this in England, you will know that we have now started this 3 week big freeze: Snow, ice and below zero temperatures. I have known about this for about a week and it has been fixated in my brain ever since. If there is ice, it makes it incredibly difficult for me to go to the gym (its a half hour walk and I dont have a car). In my mind, if I cant go to the gym, I can really eat.
In the last week I have gone to the gym 6 times to prepare myself for the fact that I might not be able to go for 3 weeks, and I have not been taking it easy. I have also not been eating very much at all so that when I reduce my quantities even more, my body wont go into complete shock (especially when I have an exam coming up).
As I was walking back from a very intense gym sesh today, and suffering form awful stomach cramps and exhaustion from not sleeping last night, it suddenly hit me that that was the last time I would probably go to the gym before the ice sets in this morning. Sad to say, but I basically broke down.

To everyone who hasn't suffered from an eating disorder, this would seem completely ridiculous and irrational. Really, I know it is too, which is why it shocked me so much.
I know I need to cope with not going to the gym, not just for my health, but for my impending exam.. I so want to do well.

It's so hard to write about and I know that this post has no direction to it, but writing it is proving to me how much I want to overcome it. I want to get better.
I might not be completely ready yet, but I am making a promis to all of you, but mainly to myself, that I will get better.